Junsu dreams of Yoochun’s lips sucking him off when Jaejoong’s arms are wrapped around him. He is beset from all sides.Because when his wrists are pinned above him and Yoochun is thrusting into him, he comes to Jaejoong’s hauntingly coaxing tones.
Except Jaejoong isn’t there.
When Junho asks him of his love life, all Junsu can blurt out is that it is complicated. With no solution
in sight. At least none that will fill the gaping holes in his soul. And he cannot even begin to comprehend how the soul mates will react to this betrayal.
Because that’s what he has done. He couldn’t let either of them go.
One day in the hazy past, he had comforted Jaejoong. He was not Jaejoong’s soul mate. He hadn’t Yoochun’s magic - an openly weeping Jaejoong was not something Junsu could bear. He couldn’t think straight. Who initiated the kiss he could no longer remember but it was he who parted his legs willingly, wrapped them around Jae and urged him to drown in the sensations.
He had arched up eagerly to hyung’s possessive kisses , taking all of his beloved hyung’s frustration within himself. When Jae had come down from his high, he had been apologetic. He had been wracked with guilt when his precious Su had winced. But the guilt has distracted him which Junsu considered a small victory.
Maybe he was the M and not Jaejoong. Because he had offered the same escape again and never breathed a word of Yoochun.
Yoochun had claimed Junsu’s soul in a way that was undeniable. Even though he tried to deny it, everyone saw it. They made an official couple out of Junsu’s shy smiles and Yoochun’s sly knowing ones. Only, Yoochun had been as innocent as him. Well innocence was too strong. Junsu wanted Yoochun without knowing what he wanted. He had naively imagined it was friendship until much later, he became better acquainted with his hungers and thirsts. Yoochun knew of them before he did himself. Which said a lot about Yoochun didn’t it ?
Yoochun loved as easily as he had known. He could refuse Junsu nothing. He took on the strait laced religious boy-man , embraced Junsu knowing that when Junsu’s morals would rise up in arms, he would have to
bear the fallout.
And bear it, Yoochun did. Junsu had panicked, blamed the perversion on Chun, and their awkwardness had only ended with Junsu crying, climbing into Yoochun’s bed one night, climbing into him, clawing him. Yoochun had emerged from that night with more bruises than love.
But it was he who had taught Junsu how to give and that was exactly what Junsu did with Jaejoong. So whose fault was it really ?
The sad selfish shrivelled organ that was Junsu’s heart knew it would not be satisfied without both. He couldn’t let Jaejoong go - the thought of his hyung going ’outside’ for release pushed Junsu into a red haze of fury. And the image of Yoochun’s easy smiles warming someone’s unappreciative body and soul made Junsu cry out.
Yet..yet if this was a war, the only outcome was loss. A bloody battlefield, hearts smashed to smithereens, faces bloody with blows of betrayal - that Junsu jad delivered to victors and losers alike. His would be the heaviest casualty.
But he had let the days pass nonetheless. Because he was never brave if not bracketed by clef. And love was not music - it was no two hour concert. Hastening the alternative meant less time to create memories he could clutch at. Some days he imagined they both knew - knew and shared him, halved him perfectly between themselves. Or maybe they each fucked him because he was conveniently available. Like the many pairs of boots they shared. Junsu was so far gone that this thought didn’t dismay him as much as it should have. He would gladly sacrifice his self respect if it meant not being cast out. He lived In fear but wasn’t fear better than t a lonely nothingness ?
Inevitable though it might be.
Some days Junsu truly lost his sanity. Those days when the soul mates glanced at him with twin looks of lust. Did they know ? Did they know that all he wanted to do then is confess and be granted salvation. But then one made him weak-kneed with a dominating kiss in the elevator while the other pushed him to his knees in an empty recording booth and what was salvation if not that ?
They watch him drinking coffee. Junsu looks exhausted, talking with their dress coordinator. He turns to look at them and his lips stretch into a wan smile. Jaejoong turns back to his note book, scribbling furiously. Yoochun looks over his shoulder.
”Bitten by the inspiration bug ?”
”Like you wouldn’t believe.” Jaejoong mumbles.
Oh baby tell me why you act so strange
but tonight I don’t need a damn explain
But I already knew everything
I don’t even need that guy who’s with you either
Please go away- it’s fine
Take the remaining happiness and piss off
Yoochun reads the lyrics and sneers inside. Jaejoong is probably thinking of an ex but they are apt to the point Yoochun feels hysterical laughter bubbling up inside him. He can’t tell Junsu or Jaejoong to piss off.
One cannot carve the better portion of one’s heart out and still live to tell the tale.
Still he feels hollow. That feeling doesn’t go away - it took permanent residence the night he overheard them.
Jaejoong had left his connecting door ajar. Yoochun had returned for a forgotten cap and spied Junsu curled up on Jae’s lap and Jae begging for ’another round’. Junsu had silenced his pleas with a kiss and a promise of 'later'. But the kiss had continued, deepened while Yoochun had watched. Yoochun didn’t burst into the room that night to demand for explanations. He hasn’t since. He knows it’s not a one time thing. He knows Jaejoong has to merely crook his finger and Junsu will part his legs. Yoochun knows a thousand other things, what he doesn’t understand is why Junsu still comes when he calls. He has seen Junsu’s eyes when he is looking at Jaejoong, when both hope they are unnoticed. There’s love right there , so much so he wishes he were a part of it. It’s like when Junsu and hyung are singing the bridge together and it’s all notes he can’t ever reach and their eyes are locked together for the perfect pitch.
Just like that, except this is worse. But Junsu doesn’t put him out of his misery and Yoochun perhaps doesn’t want to face that conversation. One that ends with him left empty handed and Junsu in Jaejoong’s. One that leaves him without a brother he looks upto. He can erase the tattos of their names but not them. Never them. But acceptance is not so simple either when it is tinged with the color of anger. These days, Yoochun demands and for whatever reason, Junsu obeys. He feels guilt afterwards but it dies soon enough. For now, he deems it enough. For now.
Jaejoong scratches and scratches at the lyrics. If only he could erase his thoughts and hunger as easily as he could the image of Yoochun and Junsu backstage behind the clothes racks. If only. Sure, the official spiel was they were a 'couple' but so was Yunjae and that amounted to nothing but jokes. So when had Yoochun and Junsu taken a fan’s wishful thinking and made it into an unmistakably physical reality ?
Because they are all physically close. They spent the better part of their youth in each other’s spaces. But not inside eachother. No. He wondered some days if maybe Junsu was meant to be with Yoochun. Their delusional fans certainly claimed it. But where did that leave him and Junsu and how right it felt when they were together ? Because it did. Jaejoong would fight till his last breath to claim his Junsu.
The youngest is everything he isn’t - daring, fluid and mercurial. Junsu does while Jaejoong thinks himself into corners and waits for Junsu to guide him out of whichever patch of mental quicksand he slipped into. People with near death experiences say they see god’s light, that it is what guides them into the afterlife. Jaejoong isn’t religious but then the life gave him his very own bit of bottled god’s light, his Junsu. Jaejoong’s heart scars easy - he is the first to admit it. This is one more scar he thinks he can bear. Maybe Junsu is too much of a good thing that he hasn’t done anything to deserve. Who is he to demand anything of Junsu ?
Maybe the day will come when Junsu tires of attending to his many wounds and maybe Junsu already has tired. He doesn’t want to push Junsu to leave. He can’t stand the thought of it. He’s ready to plead his case but not a
second before it is necessary. So Jaejoong continues to scribble out lyrics. And hope that day never comes.
Typed on ph
More JaeSu than Yoosu ?
Bit purple, I know